Grace in uncertainty...

...and considering emotions

Hi there! I’m Karen, and here at On the Outside I write about navigating life with my compass of curiosity, courage and connection, going via adventure and healing. I live amongst the south Welsh mountains, with a hoard of books, a garden full of foxgloves and goldfinches, drinking tea. Basically, a hobbit. Wandering, not lost.

Subscribe to join me on this journey through the truth and beauty of the uncertain and the unknown. With tea.

Where I am is not where I expected to be. The ground is shifting, uncertain beneath my feet.

But still, there is noticing. Tiny, beautiful things to focus on.

The pale perfect blush of the peony petals, and the deep veins of vibrant pink throughout. The papery petals exploding outwards, letting their scent swirl through the kitchen.

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How will I balance it all, I asked. How will I change, take an opportunity offered, and maintain the status quo, the balance I have?

How will I continue the learning, the soul-searching, the reflection through other’s words, navigating my inner depths with curiosity and courage?

We delved, diving into my ocean, passing through the layers of mind and thought and emotion, until I described sitting on the floor, my hair drifting wild and free around my peaceful face. At peace.

There, I found the answer.

The writing, the learning, the exploring, curiosity and courage. These are not things to be balanced. They are the balance.

My writing is not on the scales. It is the scales.

The thing that helps me balance. The device upon which I put all else, shifting things around as they grow and shrink, change shape, disappear.

As always, writing is my medicine.

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I reached a milestone over the weekend. 100 subscribers. 100 precious humans have given me space in their inbox, practically the keys to their house.

Celebration. Gratitude. Amazement. A whole swirling pool of emotions in which I drifted and danced.

Then the inevitable. Checking the numbers, waiting for another one, two, three to subscribe. The little thread of worry that appears, like a single drop of blackest ink dropped into that pool, twirling and eddying around me. Will I maintain this? Can I keep writing well enough to not just keep my 100 precious readers, but also to grow?

The ground is shifting beneath me. I am uncertain.

But I am learning.

This beauty, which I believe to be a Rose of Sharon or St John’s Wort, is growing under our hedge through from our neighbours. It has never grown like this before on our side. What a joy to find it yesterday.

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What is the source of emotion? From within, or from without?

I heard that, in the Irish language, we don’t say ‘I am sad’. Instead, we say ‘sadness is on me’.

How does it change things to realise that we are not an emotion, we do not have to identify as an emotion? The emotion is on us. It is not us.

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The details, the smallest things, the feeling of the ground beneath me on the yoga mat, the way the air is cool when I inhale, and warm when I exhale, the way the wind sighs through the grasses in the front garden.

These are the things that bring me back, remind me that the ground may feel like it shifts, all may feel uncertain, but I am certain. I am here, whole and centred, alive and at home within myself.

I am OK.

Caerwent Roman Ruins. We had an impromptu little stroll over the weekend, a new place for us both. The wind blew my hair all about, and my worries fell away.

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Thank you so much for reading. There are many things changing and due to change over the coming months and I was worrying about how to balance things. The vision of the scales was prompted in conversation with a wonderful friend and coach,

Katie CQ

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I am also beyond grateful for all 112 of my wonderful subscribers. Thank you, to each and every one of you, for choosing to give my words space in your life. I cannot thank you enough.

I hope everyone has a beautiful week. Remember to treat yourself with grace, with kindness and that there is always learning to be had - even if that is learning to rest when you might otherwise push on.

Thank you, again.

K x

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I’m taking part in the Essay Club run by

Claire Venus

. This is essay 9/24 to be published by 31st Jan 2025. Honestly not even sure this counts as an essay, but I’m rolling with it!